Why I Got Two Tattoos

Some of you may have seen in person or on social media that I now have two simple wrist tattoos. I said at some point I’d share the story/meanings behind them, and well, here we are.
You may be wondering why? (don’t worry, so was my mother for the longest time).

Well, it started when I was a young girl, truly.
You see, when my dad was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and given months to live, along the whole journey my family held onto hope. It was our mantra, our battle cry, our reassurance, our phrase, our word, our whispered plea, and sometimes angered/confused shout. Hope in Christ for today, tomorrow, and eternity is what we desperately held onto, and often along the journey it felt like we were trying to grip sand in our fists only to find it slipping through our fingers. As time progressed and my dad’s body continued to break down and people all across the globe cried out to God on his behalf, something changed in our family, we had a knowing melancholy, but a growing confidence. What I mean by that is, I think we knew...in our heart of hearts we saw the proverbial writing on the wall that my dad wasn’t going to be physically around very much longer. It wasn’t that we lost faith or confidence in God and His healing power, in fact, it was quite the opposite, but our perspective and our hope shifted, then our trust in God flourished. Because we started focusing on that ‘eternity’ piece in what we believed of hope, we embraced the truth that my dad would be healed, whether here on earth or the other side of heaven, but he would be healed, no doubts. That didn’t make things magically better, we lost my dad to cancer just 6 short months after his terminal diagnosis, our lives were completely upended, a handful of us in my family (myself included) have suffered from ongoing depression and well, life is hard - so, believing in, striving towards, and even tattooing ‘Hope’ didn’t make everything better, but it does help make it worth it. I firmly believe that even a sliver of hope can help someone conquer the greatest foes and live through the darkest days. Hope is a powerful force that cannot be vanquished, even when we lose sight of it.

Now, what about the other one?
Yes, there is another one and it’s in latin: ‘Coram Deo’ which means ‘In the Presence of God’ or ‘God Sees’. This has been my personal mantra since I was in jr. high. I don’t know where I read it or how I came to know what it meant but ask any who knew me back in jr. high knew I wrote it on EVERYTHING. Being ‘in the presence of God always’ is an equally humbling, terrifying, awe inspiring, and comforting thought, for me it was something that was unchanging and always there. It was a safe space in a time in my life when I felt so especially alone and that has carried through the years. When life changes, dreams are lost, and people leave, God, His Throne room, and His presence are always there. To me, it means being at His feet always, being in a space I absolutely and without question do not deserve to be able to even think about, yet He lets me come, yet He lets me linger, yet He lets me stay. It’s unknown yet good, for in the words of Mr. Beaver talking about Aslan (a literary representation of God in a children’s series) from C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia:

““Safe?” said Mr Beaver...”Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.””

— C.S. Lewis "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe"

So truly, WHY get ink permanently stabbed into my body? :)
I can look at them at all times and have the reminders of what they represent. Besides the meaning, the most important part of these for me is the font. Hope is a mix of my dad’s handwriting and mine and Coram Deo is a mix of my mom’s handwriting and mine. Sometimes when people are on the other side of heaven, over the years memories of traits of who they are start to fade in our minds, handwriting can be one of those. That’s why it was so important to include my dad’s handwriting to never lose the memory of it again. My mom and my dad both have always been the most influential people in my life and to have not only their handwriting on me, but words that represent the foundational truths they helped guide me towards and learn to love is so incredibly special to me.
Tattoos aren’t for everyone, but these are special for me.

-Hannah

When I am Weak, then I am Strong

Some of the great and godly men and women of history had times of struggling deeply with depression. And some of their greatest work of words that encourage the hearts of people today came in the midst of their very darkest of times.

Many of us have faced very difficult seasons where we have clung to the Lord even more because our need for Him is smacking us in the face.

But what about those times when we are clinging to The Lord and pursuing Him and our circumstances don't change? Is this saying something about our relationship with God? Does this mean the struggle we are facing is a result of not pursuing Him enough?

This is where I found myself at when I first realized I was struggling with depression. In the years right after my Dad's passing I had never been closer to the Lord. I spent more time in prayer, journaling to God, passionately pursuing Him and sharing my heart with Him than I ever had before. And yet in the midst of all of that I still felt like I was having an out of body experience each day, walking numbly along no matter how hard I prayed about it or clung to the Lord.

So when the question came up to take medication for it or not, it simply cued feelings of guilt that I had missed something and really shouldn't need to take anything - I just needed to pray more, do more, be more, something, etc., etc., etc. Whether we put these feelings of guilt or shame on ourselves, or others unintentionally put them on us, it can cause us to lose hope and lose focus on actually getting the help that we need to feel better. I can personally relate to and know many people that have not gone on medication because they felt like it meant they were failing even more if they did. Or they felt like it would mean they were not trusting God enough to heal them. I do think it is very important to look at where our hearts/focus are at in the midst of our pain and lay it at the feet of Jesus. But doing so does not necessarily equal relief.

Is it a spiritual battle or not?

When we are going through any trial, tragedy, or hardship, I think it is important to check where our hearts are at with God simply because He desires to use those times to draw us to Himself. But if we are so consumed with ourselves (often without realizing it), it leaves little room to allow God's truth to seep into our hearts. Often times depression can feel like sitting in a room with blackout curtains covering the window. You so desperately want to let the sunshine in, but until you or someone else opens those curtains, you remain in the dark. That is why it is so important to lay everything at Jesus’ feet and sit with Him. As we do this, it will surely minister to our hearts but may not provide the complete relief in our heads. This is where the importance of science comes in, and knowing how God wired our brains.

Chemical workings of our brain

Yep that's right, recognizing that depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain (no matter what circumstance, situation, season led you there), goes a LONG way in helping you heal. At least it did for me (stick with me here I promise we are getting somewhere. This is not new information BUT it may be new to you).

Depression has a wide range of symptoms, levels and time-frames for each individual as we have mentioned before. But they all flow out of a result of our brains being off balance (remember, no matter how we got to depression, our brains are still off balance).

What does this mean?

It means we need to rewire/reboot our brain!

Sometimes this can be accomplished by making changes in our lifestyle. But sometimes we need the added help of medication. Yep I said it!! Before all of you natural, homeopathic, essential oils, eat-real-food lovin people hunt me down, ease up. Because, well, I am one of those people!!

I have found GREAT help healing depression with all of those things. And in fact in another post coming up we will talk about many tools within those that will help with depression.

While some of you implement the lifestyle changes and find great help/relief, others who have struggled with depression for longer (which also means a longer time their brain has been off balance) may need an extra boost to do the rewire/rebooting. This is where the use of medication may help. Sometimes in order for the natural remedies and lifestyle changes to begin to work, you need a kickstart with medication that has a stronger quicker turn around. Do some people turn too quickly to medicine before trying other things? Or do they sometimes use medicine for to long? Well yes, sure. But I have also met too many people that shy away from medicine for depression because of some of the reasons mentioned earlier (feelings of failure, shame, guilt that they were not trusting God enough or doing enough etc., etc., etc.).

I like to give the example of using antibiotics. Many times antibiotics get over used and are not needed nearly as much as people think. And in the long run they can have a negative effect. But there are also times (in the case of bacterial infections), when it is only the help from an antibiotic that kickstarts the healing and allows the natural remedies to work fully.

However, I do strongly believe that medicine should always be combined with natural remedies and lifestyle changes. I can personally say for myself and many others I have known that have been able to get off of medication gradually with help from natural remedies and lifestyle changes. It takes work and consistency for sure!! But I also have known others that do make those changes and still need the help from medication. A good reminder again that we are all made differently, wired differently, and affected differently. So while we will have some similarities we will also have some differences in our healing journey.

One of those great men I mentioned in the first paragraph was Charles Spurgeon. Spurgeon was an incredible man of God who reached thousands of people with the truth of the gospel, and he struggled deeply with depression. He is quoted as saying how he did not enjoy those times and wished he did not deal with depression; but that he would not trade it either. For it was in those very times it pressed him into intimacy with Jesus even more. And he also said it was because of these struggles that he was able to relate to and encourage many others on a much deeper level.

“I would go into the deeps a hundred times to cheer a downcast spirit. It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might know how to speak a word in season to one that is weary.” -Spurgeon

When I finally got to this same place of seeing depression as any other hardship God had allowed in my life, it was so freeing. Because I knew and had experience with being brought to a much more intimate relationship with Jesus through experiencing deep sorrow and pain. And over several years now of seeing so many others walk through depression, I have seen God using it again and again for good. As we share our stories we bring encouragement to one another and this alone is a great healing balm to our heart and our minds.

I believe God wants us to have victory over temptation, difficulties, pain, hardships, etc in our lives. And when we are making every effort to heal by drawing closer to him and pursuing lifestyle changes, sometimes we will find that victory in this life. But other times it will be our burden to carry--our cross to bear (or like Paul, a thorn in the flesh)--until we have complete victory in Heaven someday.

BUT don't underestimate the beauty and power that can be found in this place. A place where God can use you to encourage many who walk the same road. A place where you can experience such a deep intimacy with Jesus that can only be found here.

And a part of the VICTORY can be WON in this life. As you rise up and share your story and the work God is doing in your life, you have victory over depression (or any other struggle) ruling your life. It takes power away from Satan and lets God's power seep back into your life. It's a journey and a process with ups and downs. But we can be victorious each and every day by the grace of God!!

I love the the following verses because they speak hope right into our difficulties and remind us that it is those very things that can make us strong!!

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Romans 5:3-5

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

-Beth

Hope In The Darkness: Depression (Part 1)

It's 2017!! A new year, a fresh start. New year resolutions are in full swing and there is a general sense (at least for the first month) to accomplish them and conquer what lies ahead in 2017. But in your little corner of the world no matter how hard you try to push yourself to get on board that train, you keep missing the ride and feel stuck.

Many years ago I sat on the top deck of a cruise ship taking in the warmth of the sunshine. It had been 5 years since my dad had passed away and my mom, sister, aunt and I were on a much needed vacation. My mom was talking with a woman next to her who was a Christian and the wife of a famous race car driver. And somehow in the conversation the woman shared part of her story and her battle with depression and how the Lord was giving her the tools to work through it with the right medication, encouragement from others, and His Word. As I listened in on their conversation I remember feeling surprised that she would be willing to admit and talk so freely about her battle with depression (specifically taking medication). That feeling was quickly followed by an overwhelming sense of relief and camaraderie with this woman.

A few months prior to that trip I had been diagnosed with depression. Ever since my dad's passing I had struggled with how to process and express feelings and emotions as well as trying to find a new normal and to some degree, identity. And the weight of that was taking a toll on me physically and mentally. I felt like I was missing the New Year's resolution train all year long and that life was speeding past me while I remained “stuck”.

With how I had been feeling and my symptoms of 9 out of 10 pointing to depression, the diagnosis was not a surprise to me. But I was struggling with how to deal with it. To go on medication or not? To talk about it or not? Who to talk about it with?

In the Christian culture and even in the world generally, depression at the time (and I believe still today) was a hush hush topic. Something not widely discussed/talked about because there were (and still are) so many misconceptions about it mixed with a lack of knowledge that led/leads to misunderstanding and hurtful assumptions.

Almost everyone has experienced a form of depression at some point in their lives whether for a short time, on and off (seasonal), or ongoing. It can be brought on by trauma, loss, illness, situational, loneliness, health issues, stress, etc. Depression is at an all time high and as this world and our bodies continue to decay around us, it will only continue.

So what would happen if we actually talked about the reality of how common it is?

What would happen if we actually talked openly about our struggles?

I believe we could find so much more daily encouragement from realizing how many others have been/are on the same journey.

I believe we would recognize that our hope is not found in being healed in this life necessarily, but about finding our hope in Jesus and the complete healing we will have in Heaven one day as our bodies and this world become the beauty they were originally intended to be.

When we believe in the Hope of healing in Heaven it takes the pressure off of trying to “fix” ourselves in this life, and when the pressure is taken off we can actually find rest in our future Hope. Then we can actually begin the journey of healing. It is every bit a journey, every facet of that word. It is a process and a yearly, monthly, weekly or daily reminder.

Ah but this is not lost on God. He knows, He sees exactly what tries to steal our joy. And He wants to walk with us where we are at!

The next few posts will focus on sharing my (Beth’s) personal journey with depression. The key word here: “my” journey. Recognizing that there are SO many different forms/levels of depression and so many different ways to work through it. But my hope is that you can find some encouragement, understanding, and/or camaraderie for you or someone you know in these next few posts. And that by openly sharing our challenges alongside our joys we can truly experience freedom.

-Beth