Hope in the Darkness
(Part 2)
“Healing the wound that leaves a scar”
“it's okay for you to be angry with God”. These were words whispered in my ear by a sweet older woman after our dad’s memorial service. To be honest, the only thing I was thinking in that moment was frustration toward her for suggesting how I could feel. Though she was genuinely trying to offer a lifeline, her timing was not the best, to say the least. However, looking back now I can pull out a much deeper meaning behind her words.
Whether it's coming out of a tragedy, a painful situation, an addiction etc., year two seems to be the magic number when the weight of your pain sinks in. Year one is survival mode, trying to adjust to life right and left, or you're living on a “high” of constant support and encouragement from friends and family. Year two, however, is when everyone else moves on around you and assumes you have done the same. There is a new normal for you to get used to, and it can feel isolating and lonely as you watch life around you speed by while you feel stuck at a standstill, in the middle of a void.
If you have ever had a deep physical wound you realize that part of how well you heal determines how much of a scar remains behind. It looks different for everyone based on how deep their wound was, how their personal body reacts, and the time it takes to heal. The end result is a scar that tells a story of a moment in life, but it's not their whole story. This plays out in a similar way with scars that come from emotional wounds. How we process (or often times don't process them) affects how well we heal.
Everyone processes their emotions differently, and being a part of 5 siblings this definitely rang true for my family. So often we place everyone in the same place or time frame in their road to healing. This often leads to trying to cover up or ignore the pain because you feel like you're supposed to be over it. Or because of that emotional high we talked about earlier, which makes you think you have dealt with the pain, when really it has just been numbed for a time.
I did not directly experience anger with God about losing my dad, but I know that some of my siblings did wrestle with this in their process to heal (remember everyone is different). For me, though, I wrestled more with frustration, asking God a lot of “why” questions, and a battle with fear and depression.
I started to realize years later that I needed to recognize and express the pain and feelings I was holding in, or I could not heal well.
Expressing our pain is vital on the path to healing. But we don't always do it well or in a healthy way. In the paragraphs to follow, we talk about a few of the helpful ways that we have experienced/are experiencing healing over the years.
You may have heard the phrase “time will heal your wounds.” While it's true that time (length is different for all) lessens the degree of pain you may continue to feel at any random time, it does not, however, take away the scar that remains. The scar will forever (and often times when you least expect it), remind you of a wound you once received. But though that scar is part of you and tells the story of a wound, it does not need to define your life.
And yet it so easily can consume and define us or become an excuse for later struggles if we don't process our hurt in the midst so that we can begin to heal.
It's healthy and helpful to express all of our feelings to God. He wants to hear the good, bad and ugly of them (He can handle it all), because He truly does know and understand what's going on inside of us and our need to express it so we don't get stuck there. He wants us to come to Him so we can experience freedom, love and hope in His presence. Satan on the other hand wants us to stay and sink in our hurts so that we have no room to let in those truths of God he wants to whisper in our lives. Satan wants to keep us stuck so we can’t draw closer to God or be a reflection of Him to others. Satan does not want us to see how our battles can become blessings.
But if we need to sit in or reflect on our pain, lay it at the feet of Jesus so He can sit in it with us and give us hope in the midst.
One of the blessings that came out of the loss of our dad was some of the most intimate times with Christ that we have ever had. Expressing to and talking with God through journaling was an amazing outlet for me (Beth) to let thoughts and feelings out. Music has been another outlet for us. Whether listening to worship music and soaking in its encouragement and hope, or (for Hannah) writing music to express her heart. When we find outlets that help express our feelings, God can use them in amazing ways to not only encourage ourselves but others as well.
I remember well the night my husband gently shared that he thought it would be very beneficial and really vital for me to go see a counselor. I wept and thought my life and marriage was over😨😁. At the time I had a skewed view of what mental state you have to be in to go to counseling😁. Now that view has completely changed to believing that counseling is for anyone and everyone. It is incredibly helpful to have a listening ear on the outside who can give you tools to help you process what's going on inside. Similar to having a mentor (an older-than-you person who you trust who can listen, encourage and challenge you). Both a counselor and a mentor can help you come out of a fog of unprocessed pain, and help you with direction for moving forward. I highly recommend both at some point in your life. The Lord has graciously combined the right people and the right timing with mentors and counselors to impact me greatly in my journey and healing process.
Let us not forget that we live in a sinful, fallen world that is dying. Hardships and struggles and hurts will continue to become more frequent. We are broken people living in this world experiencing those hurts. And with that comes pain, sometimes, lots of it. We must recognize it as such and know that it's okay to feel that pain. But in the pain we keep our focus upward to Christ. And what can bring us strength for today to press on? To know that alongside the pain can be the bright Hope of tomorrow in Heaven.
To wrap this up with helpful takeaways:
Express your pain to God (sharing your heart with Him through journaling and prayer.
Express your pain through healthy outlets you enjoy (writing, journaling, music, art, etc.)
Express your pain to others who can decipher, encourage and challenge you (counselor, mentor)
The song below so perfectly encapsulates this post. If you have a moment, go listen to this song and let the words soak in, encourage you, and bring you hope.
"Come As You Are" By David Crowder
Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Chorus:
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You're not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
There's hope for the hopeless
And all those who've strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't cure (back to chorus)
-Beth